Appreciating the small things.

I tried and tried to come up with a brilliant, "I love you" post for our anniversary yesterday and I just couldn't top the one I wrote last year.  And even though it's been another full year and we've faced some of our most severe obstacles, we are still the same as we always have been.  I love Dustin, he is my world and he loves me, I am his everything, etc, etc, etc.  Mush, mush, mush.  It's pretty self explanatory.

We have a baby and she's grown up tremendously.  It's been amazing to watch her learn everything there is to know about just being alive and she's shown me how to appreciate it more than I could have ever imagined.  I've had a hard time over the last year with coming to terms with not being in control of everything that happens in my life.  I used to feel that I was in control of everything, including the death of a very close friend, yes I blamed myself, horrible, I know, but it's the truth and it was very, very hard on me, especially when I came to the realization that it wasn't my fault.

Despite all the odds, and all the precautions, and against what should have happened, I ended up as less than 0.1% and it almost killed me.  After having control of myself ripped out of my hands, I've learned that I can't predict everything.  I can't prepare for anything, and I am definitely not responsible for all the things that happen in my life.  I don't talk about what happened, and I don't talk about my feelings, there's no reason to.  Life carries on as usual.  Dustin stood by my side, like I knew he would, we hoped for the best, and we smiled in spite of everything and everything worked itself out.

I don't like to look at things in the perspective of "oh my god, I almost died", and I definitely know Dustin tries not to think "my wife just about died", but it happened and it changed us both.  Despite everything I have a whole new outlook on life and it's a good one.  I am still here for a reason and I am trying as hard as I can to be the best me that I can be.  I no longer blame myself for things out of my control, and I am grateful every morning when I wake up, alive.  I breathe deep when it rains, and I soak in the sun when it's hot.  I try every day to smile for no reason.  I am definitely not the same person I was a year ago.  I'm happier, more relaxed, and even though I found humor in the small things before, now they really make my day.

Thank-you Dustin for standing beside me in sickness and in health.  Thank-you for not pushing me when I don't want to be pushed.  Thank-you for not letting me see you crack under the worst imaginable pressure.  And thank-you most for letting me deal with things in my own strange ways.  You are my rock and I love you more than all the cake in the world.